Valentine's Day 2015/Thoughts on Love

With Valentine's Day fresh in the review mirror, I wanted to jot down some thoughts I've had on the subject of love. Andrew and I have worked in restaurants for many years, so we never get to celebrate the day of love on the actual day. Instead, one (or both of us) work our butts off while the masses enjoy eating out on V-Day. This year Andrew worked in the evening and I was off (no baby sitter means no work, even though the money would have been great). After a relaxing morning we ran some errands together and did a lunch trip to Moe's. We went into the yard to take some family pictures to commemorate Hannah's first Valentine's Day. The individual shots turned out great, but we are pretty new to using the self timer for group shots and they weren't quite in focus.

On the deeper level of the love subject, I want to discuss these two. My heart. The best two loves I have experienced have both been a slow building kind of love. (not counting you Mom!)

Andrew and I were friends for years before we started dating and fell in love. We grew together as friends first, and it added such a deep level to our relationship. We love each other so much, but at the end of the day what makes our relationship work so well is that we are friends, above everything else.

With Hannah, my love is a little more complicated to explain. When I was pregnant I fell in love with the idea of her. I didn't really know her yet. During labor the body releases hormones that create a deep, overwhelming love (most of the time). I did not feel that 'love hormone.' I don't know if it's due to the induction, c-section,  magnesium, or some other factor, but I didn't experience that rush of love that I've heard so many new mothers talk about. At first I felt guilty. Of course I cared for Hannah deeply, but I didn't feel in love with her yet. Was there something wrong with me? Why didn't I have this crazy love feeling I kept hearing about?! After a little googling and reading I realized that some women don't feel that powerful love right away, and that's ok! I began to really love Hannah as I got to know her, spent time with her, stared into her eyes, watched her sleep, heard her need for me. I would have walked the earth for her then because she's my daughter, but now I would walk the earth for her because I love her so much.

Even writing it all out I wonder how it sounds to other people, and wonder if I'll be criticized or misunderstood. If you feel that way, then oh well I guess because I can't [won't] justify myself to you any further, but a party of me worries how it sounds. But I like my love story. I have two people that I care for so much, that I grew to love, in my own time. My heart continues to expand with affection as our lives unfold. Each person has their own journey and love story, but this is mine.

I love you guys!!

The Cheesecake Factory

Disclaimer: This post is about why I've decided to take on a second job. Even though I don't owe anyone an explanation, I have had some questions as to why I am working another job as a new mother, and I have no problem explaining it. If you have questions beyond this, then you should probably just keep them to yourself.


A little before Christmas, Andrew and I started throwing around the idea of me taking on a part time serving job. This was my idea so we could bring in some extra money. With him already hitting over time each week and me now working from home, it seemed like the best way to make extra money. Since I now work from home, I'm with Hannah all day. This has afforded me extra time with her and I decided that working a few nights a week wouldn't take away too much from my time with her.

At 29 weeks pregnant I was diagnosed with gestational hypertension, which then turned into pre-eclampsia. Hannah was delivered via c-section at 35 weeks gestation. She spent 10 days in the NICU under the supervision of some really great doctors. Today she is a totally healthy, chunky, chubby-cheeked 5 month old. She is absolutely priceless. However, she did come with some medical bills. Despite having insurance (and yes, it was good insurance), we incurred co-pays, deductibles and high priced medical bills from twice weekly doctor visits, frequent blood draws, 3 trips to the maternity ward evaluation room, and Hannah's NICU stay. So on top of the costs of a new baby, we also racked up some lovely medical bills.

Rather than sit at home and worry about how to pay off bills, we decided that a serving job could easily make enough money to pay off the medical bills and save money for the future. And hey, what better place to serve than The Cheesecake Factory?! I already knew some people there and decided it would be my new home if they'd have me, which thankfully they did! I completed my training and am now on the floor serving glorious cheesecake and tasty food to the public. Yay!

Aside from taking the job for money, working from home and being with Hannah is fantastic, but it's a little lacking in the social interaction. I'm a people person and enjoy conversation, meeting new people and being on the go. In addition to the extra money, working for CCF has introduced me to new friends, a pretty good workout a few nights a week, and the social interaction I was desperately lacking. It's nice to get out of the house, be baby-free and work hard for a few hours then leave with some cash to show for it.

I considered going back to Outback, but after 7 years with the company it was time for a change. I make more money serving at Cheesecake than I did managing or bartending for Outback, so I'd say it was the right choice. Andrew and I work opposite schedules and play trade the baby, so we aren't really working together again, but it has given our relationship a cool bonus of being able to talk about work and really know who and what is being discussed.

I'm very happy with my new job and new coworkers, and the money coming in. Even though this post wasn't really necessary, a little clarification may be helpful. So come have some cheesecake!

Hannah: 5 Months

Approx 16 or 17 pounds

Maybe 24 or 25 inches

Sweet Hannah Bear,

I'm going to ignore the fact that you are almost a half year old. It's too soon. I can't wrap my mind around how quickly and slowly time has passed. Days and ages all at once. This month was one of growth for our entire family. Mommy started working part time at The Cheesecake Factory and had lots of training to do. You got to spend lots of time with Daddy while I studied, crammed and trained to learn the massive menu. You spent a couple of shifts with Grandma, Nana kept you for a few hours one evening, you had your first hang out with a non-relative (thanks Aunt Shelly!!). Thankfully you are a beautiful, happy, smiley girl and people are usually eager to watch you! We have a few sweet friends that have kindly put their names on our baby-watch list for the future too. So thankful for everyone who loves you, and is willing to help support our decision in me starting this new job. Everything went well and I finished training, but I sure did miss you all those hours I was gone!

This month we moved you to your room and you have handled it like a pro. Since I come home from work needing to shower and clean up late at night, it was getting to hard to sneak around our bedroom and bathroom with you in there, so we bit the bullet two weeks ago and moved the cradle, humidifier and sound machine to the nursery. I don't think you even noticed. We had to invest in some black out curtains to keep you sleeping peacefully, but they look great and you sleep better. We finally finished painting your crib and Dad put it together last night, so you are starting month 5 in your big girl bed. You slept perfectly! I'm still waiting for the 4 month sleep regression (it's likely that it will hit any time now since you are technically 5 weeks younger than your actual age). It's been such a relief to not have to tip toe through the house at night, but I do miss having you right next to me in the bedroom. I probably check the video monitor a little too frequently, but I can't help it. You generally sleep like a rock from about 10:30 pm to about 7 am. You start stirring a little and while you were in our room we could just put the paci in your mouth and you'd fall back asleep, but it's a little harder since you're on the other side of the house. I usually bring you into our room when you start wiggling and let you sleep in the bed with me for another 2 hours or so. Most of the time you'll sleep until about 9 or 9:30 in bed with me, and I love it. Some might consider it a bad habit, but I think it's a much better habit than being fully awake at 7:00 am every morning!!

Since I'm now working a few nights a week at CCF you are getting plenty of one-on-one time with Daddy. Most nights that I work you are either already in bed by the time I get home or in the middle of the bedtime routine. Sometimes I come in while you're having your night bottle and when I come to say hi you give me the biggest, sweetest smile. My heart feels like it might explode every time.

You had a physical therapy appointment this month to be evaluated for some stiffness in your neck which has contributed to the flat head syndrome. Thankfully both the doctor and therapist said it is very very mild and nothing to worry about. We have a few exercises that we do each day and I can already tell a difference. You are turning your head to the left more easily and more often. We've upped your tummy time per day and it's definitely making you stronger. You love to sit up in our laps and look around. You've also started standing up while being held. You won't hold it for long but you seem pretty pleased to be able to look around.

We attended our second meeting with the local babywearing group and checked out a carrier called the Beco Gemini. It's a soft structured buckle carrier, similar to the one we had last month. I'd intended on trying on a few but once you were strapped in to this carrier you immediately settled in and seemed extremely content, so we kept it. We did our first family zoo trip last weekend and you were in the carrier instead of the stroller and you loved it. I'm very excited about this carrier and there's a good chance I'll end up buying one for us to keep full time. We did a walk with you in it yesterday while Dad tried out the new disc golf course near the house and you were happy as a clam. It was pretty windy but you were snuggled up close and barely made a peep the hour plus we were out there.

You're really starting to enjoy toys and will swat and bat at them and your grasp is getting kind of good. You don't always hit or grab the toy on the first try, but you are very intentional and keep trying for it. You'll happily play on your own for a while, but you definitely let us know when you're tired of playing by yourself. Dad and I both feel pretty strongly that you need to be able entertain yourself and play alone sometimes, so we are very glad you agree. Of course you get plenty of play time with us too!

You're not much of a cuddler these days, and really never have been. Every now and then you'll fall asleep in our arms after a bottle, but for the most part you really prefer sitting in your bouncy seat, pack n play or sitting in our laps over being hugged and cuddled. Maybe it's because we didn't breast feed for long and you didn't get used to it, or maybe you'd rather see what's going on, but that's just you. You tend to nap about 2 hours after you've last woken and are fairly consistent with that. You nap either in your bouncy seat or your swing, or the car seat if we are out and about. You almost always wake after 30 minutes on the dot. We started trying a few tricks to extend these cat naps, and sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. Depends on the nap I guess.

In the last 2 weeks or so people have started asking us when we are going to give you a little brother or sister, and it just makes my brain hurt. haha. No worries sweet girl, you are the only baby on our mind for now and the next year or two. All of our time, love, (and money) is going to you! I guess you don't look like a newborn anymore (probably the cheeks!!) so people think it's time to ask about other kids. Slow it down guys!!

Hanny, you are such a joy to us and everyone around you. Every day you open up a little bit more. New sounds, screams, mini giggles. We've gotten a handful of small laughs but are still holding out for the full on laugh. A few days ago you started trying to buzz your lips together like mommy. You think it's hilarious when I do it and you try so hard, but really you're just spitting everywhere. You're already a major bubble/drool factory. No signs of teeth yet but plenty of drool!! Oh, and we've realized you love Ed Sheeran. I listened to him a lot when I was pregnant so maybe it sounds familiar to you, or maybe you just appreciate his music. Either way, he is usually a safe choice when you are starting to feel fussy. You also have really started enjoying the jumper Aunt Teresa got you. We caught you reaching for the toys on it the first time a couple of days ago.

This stage of your life is full of blossoming abilities and your personality just keeps getting bigger and sweeter and makes our hearts melt even more. We love you so so much big girl!!

love,
Mommy